Christmas is just around the corner and everyone’s getting busier. Rehearsals for the tour have started and the rest are excited to be preparing for their 15th-anniversary concert.
He wakes up with his arm spread out on the other side of the bed and sighs.
"He went to rehearsals this early?" he asks himself in a disappointed tone.
Yamada rolls over, pulling the sheets to cover himself underneath and closing his eyes to get more sleep. It's just dress rehearsals today and he was the last one to get his clothes fitted the day before.
I can rest more... He's going to be busy anyways.
Yamada wakes up for the second time with the sound of his phone ringing off the hook. He begrudgingly reaches for his noisy phone from his bedside table to turn it off, with his squinted eyes he checks the call logs.
25 missed calls from Yuto, 10 missed calls from his manager and 5 missed calls from Yabu.
He jolts up, a mixture of panic and disinterest to go to the rehearsals boils inside as he rubs his eyes to double-check what he just saw and looks at the clock.
Just as he creates a new message whilst thinking of an excuse to tell his manager, Yuto's caller ID pops up as he calls him for the 26th time.
“Hello?”
“Thank God you finally answered! Are you okay? Are you on your way? Do you want me to pick you up?” Worry is evident in his boyfriend’s tone as he bombards him with questions while lying down on his back once more.
Sighing, he replies. “How long has it been since I last saw you?”
“Hmm? What are you talking about, Ryo? We’ve been seeing each other during tour rehearsals, what do you mean?”
“Nothing…” Yamada whispers but it was enough for Yuto to hear. “I’m not feeling good, Yutti. I’ll skip today’s rehearsals. Sorry.”
“Bu—” Yuto’s line gets cut off as he ends the call and looks at their picture on the bedside table. Letting out a deep sigh, he covers his eyes with his right arm on top.
“I miss you…”
They barely saw each other throughout the year. This was one of their busiest years as the couple are both booked with TV dramas and movie projects along with their fixed schedule and their Filmusic concert. It was nothing at first, it was their usual thing as they both adjusted to it while they tried to find time for each other.
Days passed and the incommunicable barrier between them just kept getting bigger and bigger. He starts to spend more time with his best friend and play games. He was utterly feeling sad and sorry for bothering his best friend who was busy with Inoo as well.
If the deities allowed them to have a small time for each other, it’s Yamada’s turn to be busy instead.
Countless dates have been missed, bonding time, game nights…
And it was already the end of October when Yamada realized what happened.
Everything feels lonely.
Yamada rolls over on Yuto’s side of the bed, hugging his favourite shark plushie tight enough as he buries his head on top of it, hoping there’s still a lingering scent of Yuto in there.
It’s been months since they slept together on this bed.
Now, it’s only a week before Christmas and he’s hoping they will have time for each other.
—
The Nagoya leg of their 15th-anniversary tour has started and everyone’s excited as they’re finally complete again.
But between the couple, nothing changed. Only the distance grows farther apart and it’s killing Yamada inside.
Yet he has to smile in front of everyone. Show business. People think it’s easy.
They started the tour with Weekender as their opening and threw off the YutoYama shippers by putting Super Delicate as the second song in their long setlist. With an expected fan service at the bridge of the song, the couple faced each other and Yuto started poking his cheek which he returned.
For once, he felt like everything was normal between them again in the span of three to five minutes before carrying on to the next song.
The two-day concert in Nagoya went like a breeze and before Yamada could even realize it, he was alone in his hotel room again before they head to Tokyo for the next scheduled concert.
He tries to go to Yuto’s room, but he hears the other members laughing along with his boyfriend and all in all are just having a good time.
Ah… Is this it?
—
Three days ‘til December 25th and they’re doing rehearsals for their next concert in Tokyo Dome before everyone spends their holidays with their families and love ones.
“Hey…”
“Hey.” Yamada smiles stiffly and makes his way to sit beside Chinen to catch up with what happened yesterday. He looks back, but to his dismay, Yuto has gone from where he passed by him.
“And you really think that’s effective?” Chinen comments with annoyance.
“What is?” Yamada asks and his best friend rolls his eyes.
“I’m not an idiot, Yama. We all know what’s happening between the both of you.”
“It’s so suffocating, Chi. Yuto won’t even come here! He used to be so clingy and sweet—”
“Again, we know, Yama. Why don’t you just talk to him and tell him what you feel?”
“And give him more stress? He’s already stressed enough with the current drama shoot he’s been doing, Chii!” He says frustratingly, screaming a little bit on the pillow as he buries his head in it.
“Well, what do you want me to do? It’s almost Christmas eve and honestly, I should be with Inoo right now but I’m here to comfort you.” Chinen raises his tone accidentally, causing Yamada to look back while pouting.
“I don’t know, Chii. I don’t know. This hasn’t happened before… We usually talk about this stuff… But now…”
“That’s why I’m telling you, you fucking stir up the conversation! We’ve been over this a hundred times, Yama.”
"B–"
"Yama, have you ever thought that maybe you're both thinking the same thing? That maybe he's not talking to you because he thinks you're mad at him? Or that he's giving you space?"
"What do you mean?"
Chinen shrugs, saying he doesn't know.
"Do you really don't know?"
"No. I'm just guessing Yama. And I shouldn't be interfering, to be honest."
Yuto comes in, with Yamada and Chinen suddenly looking at him as he walks towards Hikaru who’s chilling while playing his bass.
Chinen watches the two awkwardly look at each other before commenting again. “Think about it, Yama. It wouldn’t hurt by just talking it over with him, you know.”
Yamada gives a hopeful look towards Chinen as the latter stands up and gives him a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.
“Hika! Inoo called you for some practice.” Chinen says, coming over to Yuto’s side of the room.
Chii what the hell are you doing?
“O-oh? Really? Sure I’ll come with you.”
“Bring your bass with you. I don’t know why he said that but just bring it with you.” Chinen tells him as Hikaru follows from behind, leaving the two alone in the room.
Yamada fidgets with his fingers while Yuto watches him get focused on them. He watches him sigh deeply as he doesn’t establish any eye contact with him.
Yuto shifts his foot, making the overly sensitive Yamada raise his head and watch him move towards his direction, his stomach churning while the rush of blood goes to activate the heat on the muscles on both of his ears. He doesn’t know what to do as he lowers his head again from how fucking awkward the situation is right now.
With a mind going into overdrive, Yuto puts his hand on top of his boyfriend.
“Ryo,” he starts.
“A-are we okay?”
He raised his head, his restless leg stopped shaking, and looked him in the eyes.
Yuto raises both of his eyebrows from the question. “Ryo, I should be the one asking you that…” he whispers.
“I-I had to ask ‘cause ever since the year started we both became so busy that we had so little time for ourselves and it’s my fault for not noticing it earlier, for not doing something about it right away and because of that we grew distant from each other… a-and i-it feels like you’ve changed so muc—”
“Ryo, Ryo, stop. Stop. What are you saying? Changed? W-what?”
“Rehearsals in five minutes again, guys!” Yabu knocks on the door, disrupting the couple.
“It’s all my fault that we became like this, Yutti, I-I’m sorry…” Yamada stands up as he apologizes, Yuto tries to pull him back but the latter was too quick to leave the room.
For the rest of the rehearsals, the members felt the awkward atmosphere between them even though the couple remained professional and interacted with them as if nothing happened.
As if nothing happened earlier in the rehearsals as they all went back to their green room after the gruelling hours of recalling the choreography for each song while practising their mc talks on the side as they decide which topic they should talk about in the concert.
Yuto catches Yamada leaving the room as he announces that he’s going home, he immediately shoves the rest of his unfolded sweaty shirts inside his bag and rushes out of the room to catch up with his boyfriend.
They clearly need to talk and this will never be fixed if one of them doesn’t try. It’s usually Yamada who fixes this sort of stuff, but this time, he knows his boyfriend’s not going to budge one bit.
“Ryo, wait up!” he reaches Yamada’s arm and the latter turns around.
“Oh… I thought I heard you were going with them to eat out.” He asks with pursed lips.
“They’re going to be fine without us there, Ryo.”
He watches Yamada avoiding his gaze before he utters the next sentence. “We should talk.”
—
The car ride back home was silent. It was unnerving. Yamada keeps fidgeting with his fingers while pretending to be okay as he looks outside with his mind thinking about what they’re going to talk about.
Where was that courage he mustered up earlier? He keeps stealing glances over his boyfriend’s side as he parks the car but he couldn’t bring himself to speak up.
“I’ll carry this,” Yuto softly tells him as he takes Yamada’s bag from his hand and closes the door.
He thanked him quietly, following him from behind as they go up to the apartment complex, and as soon as they entered, Yuto sighed.
“You should wash up first, Ryo. I’ll put the dirty clothes away.” Yuto tells him. Yamada hums his reply but he goes out and waits for Yuto to come out after putting their clothes away.
“Hey, I thought you were in the shower already?” Yuto asks.
Yamada sighs, “You said we should talk, right?” replying in a weird tone.
“Are you mad?”
“Huh? About what? The shower can wait, Yuto…” He says, sitting down on their couch and Yuto follows.
There it is again. That awkward silence Yamada hates hearing and feeling at the same time.
He closes his eyes forcefully as he sharply inhales before speaking up.
“What happened to us, Yutti?” he softly asks.
Yuto looks beside him, “I-I don’t know, Ryo… Honestly, that’s my question to you too. What happened, Ryo? I thought all this time we’re okay?”
“Are we, Yuu?” He quietly asks back as memories of them missing out on their casual dates outside their planned schedules and cancelled home dates play out in his mind.
“... Wasn’t it always been like this though? There have been times that our schedules weren’t exactly aligned with each other because of our individual activities?”
“But this is different, Yuu. We barely saw each other…”
Feeling guilty, Yuto pursed his lips as he thinks of something to reply to his boyfriend whose eyes are staring at nothing.
“It’s almost Christmas, Yutti…”
“I know…”
“Do you really have no time for us? Or is it because you’re spending it with your actor friends?” Yamada bluntly asks what was inside his head all this time.
“W-what? Ryo, it’s a work thing… I wasn’t able to excuse myself ‘cause we were planning for that Berlin fest that I told you about…” Yuto hastily explains as he reaches for his boyfriend’s hands.
“Why do I feel like you’ve changed, Yutti? I feel like you’re a different person. I feel like I’m talking to a different person…” Yuto panics a little as he hears Yamada’s voice breaks and scooches closer but Yamada moves away from him a bit, wanting some space.
“Am I just being emotional? Why do I feel like I’m just overthinking things and making everything about this a big deal? Why aren’t you talking and explaining yourself? Do you still love me the way I love you? It’s almost Christmas and we should be enjoying ourselves this month but instead, I’m waking up in our bed without you beside me, Yuto. It’s s-so… I-I feel s-so…” Yamada starts to choke from his words as he started to cry and Yuto moves the latter’s body to face him.
Yamada feels Yuto’s big hands cupping his face as tears start to flow down his cheeks, with his boyfriend’s fingers wiping them lightly away. He finally looks at Yuto, who’s also feeling sad about the situation.
“Ryo…” Yuto tries to console him.
“Do you even know how empty and lonely it feels to wake up not seeing you each morning knowing that you don’t have any morning schedules that day? Do you even have morning schedules now? My heart can’t take this anymore, Yuu… It feels so lonely and I miss you so so much I wanted to jump and hug you so tight each time you come home but I can’t because I know you’re tired from work and probably don’t want me hugging yo—”
“Ryosuke, calm down… Hey… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Calm down.” Yuto hugs him, letting Yamada bury his head in his chest as he cries more. Yamada feels one of Yuto’s hands going up and down as he consoles him, waiting for him to calm down.
Yuto pulls away as soon as he feels Yamada calming down. The latter looks at him with a pout.
“Why are you smiling so weirdly?” He asks, furrowing his eyebrows, making Yuto chuckle a little, remembering how Yamada looks so adorable even when he cries.
“Because, Ryosuke, I’m feeling the same thing for you.” He answers while trying to hide his wide smile as Yamada rolls his eyes.
“I have no time for your comments, Yutti. This is a serious issue and we have to fix this.” Yamada cries more while brushing away Yuto’s hands from his face.
“What I’m saying, Ryosuke, was that… Everything that you told me just now is also what I’m thinking each time I don’t see you or talk to you. Even I think that you’ve changed, especially since you’re the busiest member amongst all of us.”
“But you’re busy too!” Yamada interjects and Yuto chuckles as he catches both of his wrists again to stop him from wiggling. Yamada lowers his face to hide his blush from how close they are to each other, at the same time, missing this amount of intimacy they used to have when their schedules aligned.
But this isn’t the time to be feeling like this.
“Ryo, you think I don’t sense the fact that you’ve been ignoring me — deliberately — because you think you’re becoming a nuisance to me? Each time I come to you to do fan service for our shippers, I feel like I’m being annoying to you. I don’t know how to be around you when you know I’m a touchy person. That’s why I resort to doing all sorts of stuff on stage just to get your attention and make you laugh without touching you too much… When I don't see you or hear you, I feel like I can't breathe. Do you even know that?” he tells him.
Yamada sniffs while feeling all sorts of emotions formulating in his stomach. He should still be upset with their situation. He should still be talking this through with Yuto but the guy just knows what to do to make him crumble. One touch, and it’s enough for him to feel defenceless in front of him.
One touch, one look, one light brush of his hair away from his face is enough to throw away all the arguments he can bring up to him to fix this situation.
They’ve been together for six years. It wasn’t really a smooth sailing ride for the two of them.
Yuto’s the reason why he’s right here today. While Yamada’s the reason for striving hard to become the person that he aspires to be despite his pessimistic personality.
“Are you saying that everything is just an outcome of us misunderstanding each other, Yuu?” Yamada whispers, locking his gaze on the younger.
He nods, smiling lightly as he wipes the remaining tears that fell from this beautiful human being in front of him. “We were in our heads too much, Ryo. I’m sorry for hurting you this way…” he whispers back, feeling Yamada’s hands gripping the hem of his shirt as he closes the gap between them.
It’s been a while since they both kissed each other like this. The feeling of Yamada’s lips moving against his re-ignited the spark inside him, reminding himself of how much he loves his boyfriend, how amazing those soft pinkish plump lips claim him. It reminded him of how much he loves doing this with the latter on their off days. On how much his lips and mouth can do a lot for him as Yamada offers himself to him.
Everything felt just right.
Pulling away, Yuto opens his eyes first just to see tears trickling down from Yamada’s closed eyes again. “I miss this.” he hears him say breathlessly.
Smiling to himself, Yuto leans in to kiss him on the temple before resting his forehead against his boyfriend while his thumb traces his jaw. “I’m sorry too, Yutti. For reacting this way.”
“Mmm… It’s okay."
Yamada smiles softly to himself before kissing the tip of his boyfriend’s nose and feeling his boyfriend’s arms wrap around him. He sighs in contentment, missing the warmth only Yuto can provide him, telling him that everything’s all right in their world again.
“Yutti?” Yamada asks, resting his head on Yuto’s chest while listening to his favourite sound before the low humming bass tone interrupts his free music subscription.
“I really thought I’m going to lose you this time…” he says quietly, raising his head to look directly at him as Yuto continues to brush his fingers through his hair and caress his back.
“You’re not. Besides… Christmas isn’t fun without you decorating the whole apartment and with me not almost burning your kitchen down.” he jokes and Yamada chuckles as he rests his head once more.
“You’re such an idiot.”
“Your idiot.”